Feel like you’re being stretched in too many directions? Missing out on the important things in life? Overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed?
It’s time to end the struggle for work-life balance, according to Gail Golden, MBA, PhD and author of Curating Your Life. A better approach, as she explains in this groundbreaking book, is to curate your life by sorting your activities into three categories:
The things you’re not going to do at all (or at least not now)
The things you will be mediocre at
The things you will be great at
“The ultimate goal of curating your life is to choose your own greatness and go for it,” she says in one of many powerful quotes throughout the book. Think about how a museum curator selects the items that will be featured in an exhibit. The most powerful exhibits are intentionally created. The most important items are featured prominently, front and center. Other items are there, too, but in the background. And then there are items that may be interesting, but simply don’t fit this particular exhibit.
Curating Your Life was released in April 2020, hardly an ideal time for a book launch. “If you’re going to write a book, launching it in the middle of a pandemic is not the best plan,” Golden half-jokes. “All the wheels we had in motion to promote the book came to a screeching halt.”
As it turned out, the book took on an increased relevance as people everywhere were forced to suddenly re-curate their lives, a concept she addresses in Chapter 9 of the book. The pandemic aside, we’re all faced with career and life transitions that call for periodic recalibration.
In the interview that follows, Golden explains what it means to intentionally curate your life, and why it’s far more effective in creating — and living — a meaningful, fulfilling life than trying to achieve work-life balance.
Life Working: You feel strongly about helping people curate their lives, rather than striving for the ever-elusive work-life balance. Why do you believe that curating your life is a better approach?
Gail Golden: I spent the first half of my career as a clinical psychologist/psychotherapist, listening to people who were struggling with pretty serious emotional, relationship and career-related problems. After making a career pivot, I became a leadership consultant, talking primarily with senior-level business executives.
While these were very different types of clients, they shared a common frustration. It quickly became clear to me that across these two groups, clients were constantly feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, inadequate, as if they weren’t living up to other people's expectations — or their own, for that matter. It didn't seem to matter whether the client was a stay-at-home parent or a global business executive, sooner or later, these same themes would emerge.
While the focus was on the quest for work-life balance, it occurred to me that it didn’t seem to be helping.
And as I thought more about it, I realized that I have never met a person who has a balanced life. Not me, not anybody else. I've certainly met plenty of people who look as if they have a balanced life. But in talking to them, it was clear that they were feeling just as exhausted, overwhelmed, and inadequate as the rest of us.
That realization led me down two paths. The first is that we really ought to quit comparing our own insides to other people's outsides.
And the other is that this “balance” thing is an illusion, a myth. And it's not helping us, because it implies that if you just balance it right, you can do everything … and do it all well. Clearly, that’s not the case.
It doesn't matter how carefully you balance your priorities and commitments; you will never be able to do it all. I began to wonder if there was another — better — way to think about how we can manage our energy, one that allows us to devote our attention to the things that really matter without frittering it away on things that are relatively unimportant.
The label that I came up for that approach was curation, life curation.
Life Working: Few people are taught or encouraged to be mediocre. Many (most) people want to be great at everything they do. How can people make peace with mediocrity?
Gail Golden: Accepting mediocrity is one of the key elements of the curating approach. I think of it in the same way as a curator putting together a museum exhibit:
Certain items are integral to the exhibit. They’re the “main attraction.”
Others really need to be included because they’re part of the story that the exhibit is telling. But they're not the main thing.
Some items just don’t fit into the exhibit.
Now translate that into our lives and careers. Some things are so important that they’re our primary focus. But what about all the things we’re obligated to do that aren’t so important? Sometimes we just have to be good enough at those things.
But here's the problem: So many of us have a voice in our head that says “No, mediocre is not good enough. You have to be excellent at everything.”
As a result, we waste a lot of energy feeling guilty about the things we're mediocre at. And that's where that stuff about feeling inadequate all the time comes in. If instead I say to myself, you know what, I am a mediocre housewife. My house is not filthy. But it's usually untidy. If you open a drawer or a closet, be prepared to find a muddled mess. (I have my pride; I believe in hiding the mess as much as I can!)
But it's messy. Am I proud of that? No. Do I feel guilty about it? No! By not expending energy on constantly straightening the house and cleaning out drawers, I can use that energy to be an excellent grandmother to my adorable grandchildren — and a highly effective psychologist and business consultant, and a good wife to my husband. These are things really matter to me. I have the energy for them. Because I'm not wasting it on the stuff that's just not that important.
Obviously, there are things you need to do, both on and off the job. But do you have to be great at all of them? Is “good enough” good enough? Put your best energy into your greatness, the things you want to be remembered for, the things that fuel your passion.
Life Working: Why is it better to focus on managing one’s energy over one’s time?
Gail Golden: When faced with the opportunity to take on a new project or endeavor, most people usually consider whether they have the time for it. Assuming you want to fill 24 hours of every day, you can probably find it. But do you really want to schedule meetings for 2:00 am?
Instead of asking yourself if you have the time, it makes much more sense to think about where you want to put your energy, also a finite resource. Do I want to put it into this activity as opposed to the other things I could be putting it into?
I began asking clients, “If you have a stove with four burners, how many pots can you cook at the same time?” They all looked very puzzled.
But it wasn’t a trick question! What’s the maximum number of pots you can cook on a four-burner stove? The answer is four.
If you want to cook something else, you’ll have to remove one of those puts so you can put another on that burner. What happens if you decide to cook 17 pots on your four-burner stove? Nothing gets cooked properly, and you end up with a big mess on the floor.
Yet, it seemed to me that when we're thinking about our energy, that's exactly what we’re trying to do. No wonder we’re so exhausted! Instead of focusing on time, it’s so much more effective to think about energy.
While time just keeps on coming (no matter what, you get 24 hours a day, every day), you can intentionally manage your energy in alignment with your values, priorities and goals. Of course saying yes to some things means saying no to others.
Life Working: Why is it so hard to say that simple two-letter word “N-O”— both to others and yourself?
Gail Golden: Most of us have a voice inside our heads that tells us we’re not good enough, smart enough, beautiful enough or working hard enough. It’s a relentlessly critical voice. I call it “the critical roommate.”
Granted, being self-critical can be helpful at times. It can help us course-correct and grow.
But the critical roommate is just ridiculous. I mean, you'll never get anything but negative stuff from that voice. Let’s say someone asks you to host a party for a fundraiser. While you’d love to help the cause, you’re too swamped to take on that responsibility. The obvious answer is “no,” but the critical voice running through your mind says “They’re not going to like you … they’re going to think less of you … someone else would figure out a way to fit it into their schedule … etc.”). That’s not the voice of reason, though. It’s the voice of the critical roommate. Learning how to manage this unwelcome guest is one of the tasks of adult life. And I have some tips in the book of how to do that.
But the other thing is that sometimes people really don't like it when you say no to them. Many of us worry about disappointing other people, or not living up to their expectations. We’re concerned that they may talk about us behind our back or change their opinion of us.
In some cases, people might really give you a really hard time if you say no to them, laying a guilt trip on you or continually nagging you in the hopes that you’ll change your mind. Learning to say no to others requires another set of skills we need to acquire as adults.
Deciding whether to say yes or no to something demands careful consideration. Imagine you’re the museum curator, intentionally choosing what will go into the exhibit which, in this case, is your life. Does this activity fit? If you say yes to this, do you have the energy to do it greatly? If not, would you be content to do a mediocre job at it?
When I’m asked to take on a role or responsibility that doesn’t fit into my exhibit, one of my favorite responses is, “I appreciate the honor. But I simply don’t have the bandwidth for that right now.” No elaboration necessary. Sometimes it’s a hard no, while others it’s more of a “not now.” We’re always re-curating, right?
Life Working: Speaking of re-curating … What do you recommend for people in the midst of a job search or contemplating a career change? It’s easy to become consumed by the process, especially if you’re also working full-time (and managing a family, etc.). Any special words of wisdom for people who are in a career—or life—transition?
Gail Golden: Indeed, working full-time while looking for a new job can be tiring. It would be immoral to keep working and not do your job properly.
But where can you ease up a bit? Are you devoting more energy to certain tasks than you need to? At home, for example, can you order groceries for delivery or bring in more prepared foods for dinner?
Again, think about the four-burner stove. What can you remove to make room for something that’s a priority now?
Are there responsibilities you can delegate to others, accepting that they may not do things exactly as you would? (If you’re a brain surgeon, you better not delegate to anybody who can’t do it perfectly, but in most cases, allowing the person you delegate to do things in their own way is just fine.)
It doesn’t have to be permanent. When I went back to graduate school to earn my MBA, I told my friends that I loved them, but I probably wouldn’t see them much during the time I was in school. Two years later, we picked up where we left off.
Career and life transitions often require re-curation. The most important task of adult development is to figure out what’s important, and to put your energy into that, throughout life’s phases and stages. It’s your life. Make it the best possible exhibit it can be.
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Gail Golden is the principal of Gail Golden Consulting, LLC, a management psychology firm specializing in executive coaching and organizational consultation on leadership development. She earned her PhD in clinical psychology from Indiana University and her MBA from Western University. She combined her clinical experience with her business expertise to become a management psychologist in Chicago.
Interested in purchasing a copy of Curating Your Life? Click here.